It has been a tough few days for "The Donald". First he was forced to trumpet the (final?) debunking of the birther nonsense a "victory" despite looking like a deluded and bitter fool to all but a small minority of Americans on the lunatic fringe. This is roughly equivalent to losing all your chips in poker, slinking away from the table broke, and declaring victory because you "forced" your opponent to show their winning hand. Yeah right, Donald... sure you won... and if you believe that , I've got a tastelessly decorated condo with lot's of gilt trim and a new slavic mail-order bride to sell you (both "slightly-used true beauties" from the Trump collection.)
Next, he is publicly humiliated at the White House Correspondents Association Dinner on Saturday evening, as he seethed and fumed, hunched over with his hands clenched together amidst a crowd that was obviously and openly expressing their contempt for him through gales of laughter.
Finally he lost another of his big attack lines on Obama, the idea that America was being seen as weak because we had not made more progress against the Islamist Extremists who launched the 9-11 attacks. In Donny Trumpet's world America just needs to blow-up every country that won't toe our line, give free oil, and do what we say. Apparently he believes that the only thing stopping a new global American Empire is the unwillingness of Obama (and Bush before him) to just be tough enough. He believes that if he just swears loud enough at the Chinese they will do whatever he wants them to... never mind that they outnumber us by over 5 to 1.
Time for Trump to turn the tide... but don't worry Trumpster-Divers, he has the new attack plan all worked out: showing America that Obama isn't a regular Joe like Trump is (huh?). Yup. While Donald "Don the Plumber" Trump is seriously working with rolled-up-sleeves to come up with a solution to all our problems, Obama is having... wait for it... FUN!! How dare Obama attend the same event that every other President has attended (remember Bush Jr. having fun by joking about how he was "looking for WMDs" even as our troops died looking for actual WMDs that were never there to begin with)? Anyway, enough about that, we all know that Trump is right, and that Obama is not the sort of person to be in the WHITE House (hint, hint). Race has nothing to do with it (but can he prove he is American?) Time for the list of what a real American like Trump could bring to the White House.
1. "Reality" Television: While American's suffer from the lingering effects of the economic crisis that Obama inherited from G.W. Bush the last thing they want is for the President to attend an annual event that takes up part of an entire evening. Far better would be a months-long reality television project where the leader of the free world arranges fights, nervous breakdowns, and humiliations for groups of public figures with mental illnesses. Gary Busey vs Meatloaf was just the beginning. What Americans need more than jobs is to see washed-up celebrities get fired.
2. MORE Golf: While it is easy to question a sitting President for a golf outing talking time away from work on various issues, it really misses the point. REAL power is being able to golf all the time while others do the work. Obama has taken a giant step backwards in not vacationing as much as Bush, for example. Trump would not only golf more, but he actually loves golf so much he has a line of Trump Golf products and golf courses. Public conspicuous consumption by a President Trump, along with plenty of golfing photo-ops, sends a powerful message: America is in charge and in control. Americans golf, and Chinese make golf clubs for Americans. He has already gotten a great start making the Chinese work for him... where do you think all his golf products are made? China! See? He DOES know how to negotiate with the Chinese, and you won't believe how much more profit he makes by hiring those Chinese sweat shops instead of using American labor. Winner.
3. Family Values: Like Trump said, gay marriage "doesn't feel right" and he would work to protect the institution of marriage. Without Trump in office, we risk a society in which a lifelong commitment between two consenting adults who love one another and are also gay could be just as acceptable as a series of short-term sham marriages between selfish unloving adulterous heterosexuals. I don't know about you, but as a man, family means finding unsophisticated, busty, women who do what they are told. Trump will make sure that the world remains safe for heterosexuals to be celebrated as positive examples, no matter how many times they violate their vows. He will also make sure that homosexuals will not be able to hide behind things like commitment, monogamy, civic involvement, and morality to attain equal treatment. Trump will do all of that AND some of his best friends are gay. Wow.
4. Trump is not a racist and neither am I, but just look at Trump, and look at Obama. Now you and I both know which one is "appropriate" to be President, and which one needs to learn his place. Also, Trump has always had a great relationship "with the blacks." Some of his best friends are black, you know!
5. Circus!: Everybody loves the circus, right? Right! Donald Trump could bring a real live circus atmosphere to the White House... need I say more?
6. Simplicity: I don't know about you all, but I for one am more than a little sick of all the complexity of the issues of today. Many of us long for a simpler time when the world was less complicated. Barrack Obama wants us to believe that many issues we face require deep analysis, understanding of all sides of the argument, and a willingness to look at the many shades of grey. Donald Trump offers a simplified world view and an absolute certainty that every question has a simple answer if you block out the voices that disagree with you. Trump hopes that voters will be swayed by the temptation to believe that everything is simple... as simple as black and white.